Who to Talk To – And Who Not To Talk To Around A Potential Divorce

When a spouse announces they want a divorce, emotions often run high. In that pain and confusion, many people unintentionally say or do things that escalate conflict or make an already difficult situation harder.

One common mistake is telling no one at all—often out of shame, fear, or a reluctance to fully acknowledge the reality of the situation. The result can be isolation, emotional overwhelm, and getting stuck alone in painful thoughts and reactions.

Another mistake is telling everyone. You’ve probably seen this happen: coworkers, church friends, neighbors, and the book club all become part of the story. The spouse may feel publicly villainized, people begin taking sides, and the marriage crisis can quickly become more emotionally charged and polarized.

A third mistake is confiding in the wrong people—those who escalate emotions, encourage impulsive decisions, or reinforce blame rather than helping you slow down, think clearly, and respond thoughtfully.

Near the top of the list of people not to immediately involve are your children—whether they’re young or fully grown. As difficult as it may feel, it’s often best to let some of the initial emotional dust settle before bringing them into the crisis. If your emotions are still highly activated, children can unintentionally be placed in the position of comforting you, managing your distress, or feeling pressure to take sides. It can also be helpful to allow time to see whether your spouse’s feelings or position about divorce shifts before widening the circle.

It’s also usually wise to avoid confiding in your spouse’s friends or family members early on. Even when well-intentioned, this can feel deeply betraying to your spouse and may increase tension and defensiveness.

So who should you talk to?

Ideally, choose one or two trusted people who can offer steady support without escalating the situation. The right confidants can help you feel less alone while also helping you stay grounded and thoughtful during an emotionally overwhelming time.

Helpful qualities to look for in a confidant:

• Someone who can listen with empathy without immediately taking sides against your spouse

• Someone who helps you think clearly rather than pushing advice or quick decisions

• Someone who won’t treat divorce as inevitable or pressure you to “just move on”

• Someone capable of holding compassion for both you and your spouse

• Someone who values relationships and can hold hope for healing, clarity, or thoughtful resolution

The goal is not to go through this crisis alone—but to choose your support system carefully. Let the people you trust know what you truly need: compassion, steadiness, honesty, support, and space to sort through difficult emotions and decisions thoughtfully.

--- This article is adapted from educational materials provided through the Discernment Counseling network and The Doherty Relationship Institute.