Discernment Counseling
Is Discernment Counseling for us?
If you or your spouse are considering divorce but are not completely sure that’s the best path, you are in a tough spot. And Discernment Counseling is designed just for you. It’s a chance to slow down, take a breath, and look at your options for your marriage.
Discernment Counseling is a new way of helping couples where one person is “leaning out” of the relationship and not sure that regular marriage counseling would help and the other is "leaning in”, that is, interested in rebuilding the marriage.
Through the process, the counselor will help you decide whether to try to restore your marriage to health, move toward divorce, or take a time out and decide later.
The goal is for you to gain clarity and confidence about a direction, based on a deeper understanding of your relationship and its possibilities for the future.
The goal is not to solve your marital problems but to see if they are solvable. You will each be treated with compassion and respect no matter how you are feeling about your marriage at the moment. No bad guys, no good guys.
You will come in as a couple but the most important work occurs in the one-to-one conversations with the counselor. Why? Because each of you are starting out in different places.
The counselor respects your reasons for considering divorce while trying to open up the possibility of restoring the marriage to health.
The counselor emphasizes the importance of each of you seeing your own contributions to the problems and the possible solutions. This will be useful in future relationships even if this one ends.
Number of Sessions: A maximum of 5 sessions. The first session will be 2 hours while the subsequent sessions are typically 1.5 hours unless otherwise discussed. Both partners must stay onsite during the entire session time.
Discernment Counseling is not suited for these situations:
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When one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce
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When one spouse is coercing the other to participate
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You are not in a long-term, committed relationship; this is not for dating couples
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When there is danger of domestic violence
How do I start Discernment Counseling?
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First, both partners must review this page and agree that they are open to the process.
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Each partner must email me directly to schedule their own consultation call.
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Both partner's email should include a brief paragraph describing their view of the current situation.
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No, you cannot schedule the appointment for your partner. BOTH people must be willing to take the necessary steps themselves or this will not work.
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Expect to spend 20 - 30 minutes on the call.
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Once I have spoken to each partner I will reach out to you in an email together to clarify the path forward and next steps.
FAQ's:
Is this couple's therapy?
No, Discernment Counseling is different from traditional couple therapy. Instead of jumping into solving relationship problems, DC has a very intentional process and protocol that helps couples slow down, better understand what’s happened, and gain clarity about what direction to take next. Each component is important in helping both partners gain confidence and clarity through this work.
How many sessions does this take?
This is a brief (1-5 sessions), structured process that will assist you in looking at what happened in the relationship, identifying each person's contribution and work to discern whether to keep things status quo, separate, or commit to working on the marriage in couple's counseling. At the end of each session both partners will either commit to an additional session or not.
What do sessions look like?
Choreography of a DC session:
Couple time → individual time → quick summary → individual time → summary and wrap up.
While one partner is in their individual time with the therapist the other partner will be in the waiting area. Please make arrangements to be available the entire session. You must stay onsite during your partner's individual time with the therapist.
How much will this cost?
The initial 2-hour session will be $375, followed by 1-4 additional sessions that will typically be 1.5-hours and cost $300 each session. $375 - $1575 total.
Discernment Counseling is intentionally brief. Rather than months or years of uncertainty that can take an emotional toll on partners, children, and families, this process provides a focused framework to help you make thoughtful use of your time, energy and investment.
Is DC covered by insurance?
No, you will not be able to use your insurance for discernment counseling sessions.
What if my partner has already filed for divorce?
We need for both parties to be willing to consider looking at saving the relationship. If one party has already decided they are definite about wanting a divorce this is not the process for you. If this is the case and you are hoping to keep things civil, I would highly recommend looking into Collaborative Divorce. I am happy to provide referrals.
When can we begin?
Once you and your partner have reviewed this page, reach out individually with an email including a brief paragraph describing your view of the current situation in your relationship and asking to schedule the initial consultation call for yourself HERE. You should allow 20 - 30 minutes for this call which will allow us to discuss your situation, answer questions, and determine whether Discernment Counseling is the right fit.
Can we do our consultation call together?
No. Separate calls enable each partner to accurately convey their level of commitment and readiness for Discernment Counseling. Please make certain you will have full privacy with no interruptions for the duration of your 20 - 30 minute call.